Hold The Mayo

The sharp aroma of spanish onion on one’s breath doesn’t do an awful lot for the spectator/magician relationship.

This was a key lesson I learned very early on in my career as a close-up entertainer. I am often to be seen peeling back the wrapper of a pack of Airwaves gum, rather than the skin of an onion, prior to performing.

When I get home of course – that’s an entirely different matter!

Recently I called my Wife to say I was all done magicking and was headed back. “I’m at the supermarket…” she told me. “Would you like me to get you something to make a nice meal.”

I thought for a moment and realised I wasn’t “that” hungry, so I asked for just a sandwich.

A short time after, I received a text to tell me she’d bought a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio and a cheese and onion roll. I know how to live the high-life and that evening was going to be no exception!  In anticipation of such a delightful meal, I drove home with a mouth so wet it would have made Pavlov’s dog jealous.

I settled into the sofa and my Wife brought a small platter of salad and crisps neatly arranged around a large cheese and onion WRAP.

Life is happy and harmonious in the Lemezma household. I am grateful for all Emzy does for me. However she quickly picked up on my disappointment and one of those awkward “so what I do isn’t good enough – huh” conversations ensued.

We eventually kissed (before I ate the wrap) and made up. I explained it was not her I was annoyed with her, but with the supermarket for claiming a piece of unleavened bread wrapped around a cheese, onion and mayonnaise mush could be regarded as a ‘cheese and onion roll’.

A few days later I was in town and set about relieving my earlier disappointment by finding a PROPER specimen of that great British staple. There were none to be found.

Every offering I could  find suffered with one or more or the following defects.

• They comprised contents which have been mushed, grated and mixed with mayonnaise
• They contained rocket
• They had more calories and sodium than a full-blown curry banquet
• They had no crust on the bread
• They could only be bought with coke and a bag of crisps in a bloody “meal deal”
• They were served chilled
• They were more expensive than a BHS ‘Lasagne & Chips’
• They were made in some huge triangular bread  that I couldn’t get my mouth around
• They were made from some odd sub-shaped bread that had the consistency of a bath sponge with some strangely orange, shirt-staining powder sprinkled all over

Eventually I gave up. I went to the baker’s shop and bought a bag of nice crusty rolls and headed home via Tesco to pick up some nice chunky and wonderfully matured cheddar. A good old English onion completed my list of ingredients.

Man has been putting cheese between pieces of bread ever since he learned to bake and curdle milk. In that time many great classics evolved. They became classics because they were good to eat. Very good to eat!

I am all for trying new culinary experiences – yet it seems most retailers have forgotten that we enjoy traditional foods, prepared in the traditional way. It’s traditional!

So Mr. Tesco… OI…!!!

It’s a crusty roll. It’s butter. It’s chunky onion. It’s sliced cheese.

ITS NOT BLOODY MAYONNAISE!

Marc

Editor’s Note: I could not even find a photo that I considered good enough for Marc’s post – and did not dare include something inferior